Stepping Out

I feel like I’ve been introducing myself quite a lot lately.   I’ve been putting my voice out there.  My opinion and my all into my community, which for me is a very hard thing to do.

Why? Because I fear judgement.  I didn’t exactly see the reasoning behind making friends or more friends than the ones I cherish now.  But I’m an action type of person.  I see a problem and I immediately start working on ways to solve or spread some understanding.

So I’ve been speaking out more.  I’ve been spreading my opinion after careful careful thought on some heavy issues.

Outside of that, I’ve been stepping out and just introducing myself.

I guess if you want to go real deep and have a spiritual analysis, I am finally comfortable with myself to share myself a bit.

Although every time I do there is anxiety.  There’s doubt.  There’s second, third and fourth thoughts after I do it.  But I become a little braver each time I can receive a little of people who say,

“I get it.  I understand you.  I agree.”

Now I know there will come a time when someone will not believe in what I do, you since we’re all individuals, but I’m hoping I can still stick up to my thoughts.

I’ve gone so long with just going with the flow and basically being a people pleaser with no real opinions, I treasure the moments when I can say,

“This is how I feel.  This is my thoughts. Like it or not.”

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xoxoxo

Kimama

Opportunities Galore 

I’ve noticed that since I stepped up in my entrepreneur skills and taken an opportunity I’ve been given more and more opportunities.

This past weekend I was off but I was given 3 big opportunities to earn extra money and helping people and I have to admit I liked it.

Then past past weekend being offered a big opportunity to heal with a loving friend which started this whole thing.

I liked being in control of my skills and rules and guidelines of my life. Instead of being a representative of a company that doesn’t really care about you or your health- mind, body, and spirit or that doesn’t pay you for your skills.

This past two weekend has been fun abeit tiring trying to work two jobs on top of it. But I felt refueled being with a friend and working together to promote wellness. I felt more accomplished by doing these things than I have since working both jobs.

I felt the same way when I volunteer and plan things.

Feels like freedom.

Feels like me.

Feels like I’m making a change in the world.

  

Xoxo

Kimama

Overboard 

So today I had to make myself take a break from it all. 

I had to write I had to calm myself because I’ve been on a roll.

On the roll of making sure that I am being respected and not taken advantage of and making sure I’m not playing a victim role.

And it’s become a bit of problem.

So little things I’m like already on it before it happens. Like the situation now, immediately I jumped to conclusions. Negatively. They must be trying to get over on me.

Nope. Not going to happen. 

I feel different pulls where one side of me says it’s okay you’re in control. Just help. The other me says that this has to be fixed now. Stand up for yourself.

Don’t be the victim.

But right now I had to stop take a deep breath and send some light to the situation. I wrote a letter apologizing for jumping to conclusions and if this person was intending on being negative or acting negative that I forgive them.

I think light.

I send light.

I am the light.

I hand this problem over to the Most High I am not equipped to handle this situation as of now.

I am not in a position to act until the problem presents itself.

I take myself out of drama.

I don’t create it either.

Anger leaves. Light stays.

  
Xoxo

Kimama

Anger’s A Rolling

I’ve dropped sadness Sunday morning but today I still realize I have anger rolling through me.

I am always ready to be defensive with people who I have known to be harmful, hurtful, unfair, or manipulative to me.  I don’t trust their words or actions.

I get angry quickly. I say up all night trying to plot around them and then I try all things possible to avoid them.

Or I get tired of the constant feeling of needing to defend myself. Of having to fight back at said person to say that’s not right. I don’t like that. For the love of God, get away from me.

I’m drained.

I’m angry now. I’ve dealt with sadness but now I’m at a loss on how to deal with this bottled up anger.

  

Xoxo

Kimama 

Mood

  

I feel this way and I think I shouldn’t have to hide it and fake smiles when my heart does hurt from time to time.

I am going to be okay but right now there is a dip in my path. It is time for me act to help me keep moving forward but I also take the pressure of having to be happy all the time.

I’m not.

I’m hurting and it’s okay to hurt.

Flow through it and cry it out and don’t surpress it.

  

A•L•O•N•E

  

Alone. 

Such a massive intensity to this small word.

At first I fought with alone. It was negative. I hated it. I didn’t want it.

Now, I feel peace when I hear it.  I feel growth when it comes. I see becoming myself.

I feel like this year is pushing me to be alone so I can finally be myself.

Be me without the weight of seemingly loving eyes.

I can do things without the excuse of “they didn’t want to do it.” 

I can be comfortable with myself and really hear what God and His guides send me.

If feel like I have to be alone before I can be apart of others anything.

It doesn’t mean if I choose to do an activity and someone wants to join I’ll say no, it means the activity will still take place even if they don’t join.

So cheers to the journey that is 2016.
Xoxo

Kimama 

The Whirlwind 

Slowly and surely I’ve been tested since this year started.

Lessons on depending on God to protect me and give me a steady flow of income. And it’s not the incoming income that I have a problem with, it’s letting go of the money. To quit obsessively counting each time it flows out of my income and when it doesn’t serve me the way I wanted it to.

Lesson two:

To be comfortable being alone. Physically alone. Emotionally not having that back up to vent. Also the hard truths of standing up to what I believe in without the support of the many.

Being a past (and sometimes current) people pleaser this is hard to swallow.  People getting mad at me for not doing what they would like is heartbreaking but also a part of me is like “Okay. You do what’s right for you.”

I want to live in that mindset. Because really no one knows what I capable of handling and how doing what they want will affect me but me.

I’ve felt this urge to just run away from everything and live somewhere away from society.

I’ve been wanting to start over.

Leave everyone’s opinionated eyes.

So lately these urges have been showing itself every day. It’s easier to run away then having to take stand against people I care about.

To have a confrontation. An ugly confrontation.

So I’m switching my mindset and turn my attention to the people who build me up.

These to me has to be the hardest things to deal with. I want everyone to just be happy and not rude but that’s not the norm.

For now it’ll be the norm with me.  I’ll make sure of it.

I can be outside of your circle. Yes it hurts but it will not be the death of me.

  

Xoxo 

Kimama 

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Yesterday I smudged my home and did a whole cleansing from a kit I had been thinking about buying from Amazon and I feel better going into this year.

Today I scheduled my life.  I had to put myself on a schedule so that I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed and start to just hide and go through bags of Oreos.  I went through my month and this is the

Also earlier this week, I did a “Letter to..” as the good doctor prescribed and wrote a letter talking about my feelings to people I can no longer do that to.

Today, I’m feeling the urge to purge again.  This time it’s not anger, it’s the aches I feel and the confusion I still have.  I think it’s time to address it and put a bit of reality check on that.

But for this new year I have awakened the Adventurous beast inside and it wants to reach everything and anything.

And strangely I’ve been running into events all over the place.  So it’s getting harder to curb the urge.  I don’t want to curb it exactly, more like logically put myself in check.  AKA financially spending smart.

So that’s what’s been going on.  Hope you have a merry Christmas.

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oxoxo

Kimama

 

From My Heart To You

 

“Chains”

I don’t want to stay
But you’ll make me anyway
I guess I’ll just have to wait
Wait ’till it’s all okLiving with the guilt
That I should owe you still
But promises can kill
And I promise you this will
Barely holding on,
don’t know how I’ve for so long
When everything feels wrong
and everything that’s right’s gone

Keep my heart wrapped in chains
I don’t need it anyway
I’m just gonna need a name
Anything left you can take

I wish I could leave
And take my heart with me
But you won’t let it go
So I’ll let it go

If everybody knew
the things I know of you
Why I’m staying if it’s true,
oh I must be a fool
Taking pieces of my soul,
I don’t really need it whole
Just enough to know
that I’ve got enough to go

Keep my heart wrapped in chains
I don’t need it anyway
I’m just gonna need a name
Anything left you can take